Did you just see that?

Photo by Drew Dizzy Graham on Unsplash

We could be familiar with the expression: “she or he did not flinch” when we witness someone taking care of a wound, or during some small operation or during a painful event when we might be in shock and our facial expressions might turn us into a wax figure. Frozen in some time or space. We might often refer to this a role model sometimes on how to be strong, or how to handle a conversation without giving away too many emotions or “not taking things personally”.

My thoughts today are focused for some time now on the other extreme, on catching the very flinch, the very nano second on someone’s face. Or perhaps, on the other hand catching ourselves up in the process of flinching internally.

It would even make this very question impossible to ask ”Did you just see that?”

I doubt we have ever asked anyone out loud “Did you just flinch?””What was that about?”. Yet, I have asked myself so many times some time after my conversation …. Oh, there was this flinch when I said this or that! There was something there.

And most probably I wonder if I had hurt someone with my words or maybe with the information I have given. It does get me thinking or I would say, pondering a bit on that very fleeting moment. Barely observable with the naked eyes. It takes attention.It takes also concentration to not only maybe speak but also to look someone in the eye to notice all this fractions of seconds while they process your message.

For starters and just to be sure we all refer to the same reference point, I will be quoting the Cambridge dictionary:

“a flinch represents a quick, nervous movement as an instinctive reaction to fear, pain,or surprise. You can use it as noun, verb as above “did not flinch” of adjective “flinching”. The example quoted was “ a flinching sideways glance”. “

We are also talking about a very very subtle eye movement. Sometimes it might be a quick movement that involves more than the eye, we can see a nervous movement engaging more of the facial muscles under the eye and at times it can be visible right away( that is we are also engaged and look the person in the eye when we talk or listening to someone). It does require an engagement, our presence in that conversation. It might not occur to an absent minded listening.

I guess the easiest way would be to give some of my encounters with flinching:

• I might say something that someone is not ready to hear like “Thanks for the coffee, I will have to leave soon now”. And here I get a flinch but I get the answer” Sure, is fine.As you please” . The flinch send me one message that my leaving was not received well, I have just triggered something unpleasant , while the verbal message is “Sure, I understand”, it is acceptance and some nuance of resignation.

• I might comment on a situation in a positive way, yet I get a flinch showing me that that might not be that “positive” at all; for others, it might be quite negative…. I feel it as “so, you think!”

• I might startle someone with a decision and while they are trying to show both respect and acceptance the flinch shows sadness.

• I found myself many times in the face of a “flinch plus trigger”, and what might have been a nano second of a flinch, it might return perhaps later into a reaction as the person I was talking too could not keep the flinch internal only.

• And sure, processing a physical pain or emotional pain we do not want in any form to showcase, could lead invariable to flinching suddenly

I am sure you have your own stories that you might remember such a nano second on someone’s face. Have you wonder recently what was lying under someone’s expressions when you talk to a friend or parent or someone recently?

Looking at the synonyms in the same dictionary I came upon “wince” and the description was: “to show pain or embarrassment suddenly and for a short time in the face, often moving the head back at the same time.” I would say this might be a bit more detectable or visible to the counter partner in the conversation. A person with some sense of awareness though.

This brought me back to a sad example, a difficult conversation I had to have many years ago.

There was some tension building up with someone I had to be part of in a project. No blaming on anyone side, I just consider it as unfortunate when the communication falters us. As it happens, someone asked for a one-to-one conversation to flat iron the miscommunication and settle the tension among us.A valuable initiative otherwise, except the fact that I was sick at that moment and struggling some some abdominal pain I was covering for couple of days already working mostly individually at my station. My internal flinch when I have been asked for it was “No,this cannot happen today”. I think I have even tried to postpone the event for one more week but “not flinching visibly! “, yet for whatever circumstances the other insisted that this can no longer wait.

So here I was, trying my best to listen to someone in pain, frustrated, trying to be human and be also vulnerable. My listening posture gave all the wrong signals though. My memory of that open talk gone wrong was someone talking a lot and pouring a lot of stuff on the table, asking for a hand to help and asking even for guidance. While, I was keeping my eyesight focused on my hands or trying to find a focal point to hide my pain and not really looking the other person in the eye. The impression I have given was that I was avoiding everything. And perhaps not even listening.

I did wince, or grimaced at some moment in time- literally from pain, and moving my head or straightening my posture in some form or another, looking for physical support on that chair. When I heard the other person “Please look me in the eye, I cannot continue this conversation if you keep hiding your eyes under the table” .

And yes, I did look him in the eye .I have even tried to explain that I was making an effort. Yet, there was no listening or awareness or seeing on the other side. It was just talking .There was so much build up internally, so much pain,so much left unsaid, so much perhaps rehearsed or prepared. It was a lot.

And the only other internal flinch I do remember- while this time looking deeply at him and taking inside all the gestures and body language, was something followed by this thought I then kept repeating in my mind” We are in fact one. We are not separate in this frustration, in this build up. We are facing this situation because some “smart” people took some decisions and no one bothered to communicate properly. We are one. I wish we could find a way.”

I had the clear sensation that nothing went well when I left that meeting room. The communication went awry.My instinct lost its compass. My physical pain intensified.

There were few life lessons in there too. Some unrepairable to the day. The one sitting in front of me did not get to know my thoughts or hear me speak from the heart.

I did postpone the discussion about the solution for a week or two just to feel better physically, meanwhile others got involved, some further decisions were taken and “the other one” decided to leave the project. Nothing helped with the tension though.

Not sure what I was trying to say example as I have lost my train of thoughts for a moment. I thought the memory of pain and equally my inner radar telling me not to take the meeting then ,would have given a better outcome.

One of those moments when we can sense a pinch internally, not yet developed in a strong gut feeling, just a pinch and then we give in too easily. We wish to make right by people. Ending up by making wrong.

Some of you might have stumble upon the work of Paul Ekman talking on how could you increase your emotional awareness. He is a pioneer in the study of relationship between emotions and facial expressions. His website offers courses and also a lot of resources to anyone fascinated by this topic or wanting to learn more.

I would say I read one of his books many years back and also trying to deepen my knowledge while watching the series “Lie to me”. It does get me wondering how these memories stay with us sometimes. I just wanted to write about the power of invisible “flinching” today and yet, here I am going back ways in time.

Paul Ekman

Dr. Ekman was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME Magazine and ranked fifteenth among the most influential psychologists of the 21st century. He is the world’s deception detection expert, co-discoverer of micro expressions, and the inspiration behind the hit series, Lie to Me. Start your training with the expert today.

Facial expressions are a universal system of signals which reflect the moment-to-moment fluctuations in a person’s emotional state.

At 1/25th of a second, micro expressions can be difficult to recognize and detect. Yet with micro expressions training tools you can learn to spot them as they occur in real time.

An example found on the his website just to give you a flavour on what you might find.

Sadness

• Signal: The signals of the sadness emotion include a frown (lower lip pushed up slightly and lip corners pulled slightly down), the inner corners of the eyebrows drawn up and together in the center of the forehead, raised cheeks, and tears. The vocalization of sadness can include sobs and heaving and quavering of the voice.

• Message: The message of sadness is “comfort me.” It encourages, or intends to encourage, empathy from others.

Here we are…. There are many more stories to be found. Something new to learn in case that would trigger your interest too… and just be curious. What do the other might want to communicate and might express differently?

Let’s have a tea and listen to the birds singing for a moment though.A break is needed I feel.

Thank you always for listening and being here.