Healing happens

The intention for today is to connect. To reach out to a place within ourselves that maybe needed to be taken care of. That needed our attention.To reach out to ourselves and tell out-loud things that might sound bombastic to some ears: “we are special”, “we are one of a kind”, “we are unique”, “ we are here with a purpose”, “we are so resilient” . A radiant beam of possibilities that could inspire someone else too one day.

The reason I mentioned the “might sound “ too much to some ears is merely because I have brought up in a culture where we simply do not talk like this to each other. Yet, while learning and developing this language in time,I became very fond of the power and the magic that the words can hold onto. Try for example to say out-loud those words, with conviction. At first your voice might even break down. You might be able to master the first sentence, but what about the second one, what about when you reach out to your admiration for all your own efforts and the resilience that you put forward. Your voice might break down totally and letters will fly as tender butterflies in the air, completely sound proof.

We have all taken this one minute to pause into meeting our deepest corners. Our deepest wrinkles and tissues that we have wanted maybe even for decades to remain forgotten. That pause and return in the deepest of the oceans was not easy. Well done all of us.

We could use one more minute to play a bit, shake some emotions up, shake a bit your arms,stand up and move and wiggle your body a bit, let your arms fall down by the side of your body ,shake your hands and dance along, free up all that energy.

Come back to your comfy armchair or cushion or reading noon. Warm up your palms against each other and generate a bit of heat, then place the hands onto your heart. If the heart might seem too much, place your hands over your throat gently as if caring about your voice you have just lost. Or simply chose to hold your forehead in one palm and rest your head into it. Open your body into letting go of whatever you thought you might do this evening, morning. Remember you can always meet yourselves as your own bestie. Yes, I am here for you today. I know you went places.

Since we are here we build up the courage to sending loving thoughts and open hearts to people close to us and also to the people we miss dearly. We have all been places and witness life together, we had our moments of trembling with either joy or concern over someone’s wellbeing.

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for allowing me to have also a week of break sometimes. I need longer to rebuild my resources sometimes.And it is what it is.

I feel we are now ready to talk about healing.

“Healing Happens” is also a poem by Danna Faulds from her book “Breath of Joy”

“The mystery calls me

Forward and healing

Happens even when

I can’t say for certain

What is healed”

I would like to say I have been triggered for today’s chat by a lot of someone on a podcast saying “oh, here we are today on the day that does not exist”. There is an intense discussion around about the “leap” year, “leap day”.

To leap means in the most simplistic ways to jump, to progress.

The day is the 366th day, added to the calendar in leap years as a corrective measure because the Earth does not orbit the Sun in precisely 365 days. Since about the 15th century, this extra day has been 29th February. (Source… Wikipedia.I have only chosen the simplest of the descriptions).

And yes, all the other years, such a day does not exist.

This hit a cord into my entire being. This made the time stand still for me. This has sent me fast forward x 10 to time zones, and spaces and people interactions that I have not wanted to have existed anymore.

In a wonderful and mysterious way it also reminded me of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ”. The love story about erasing memories. Or not being able to erase memories.

I have suddenly wished that we could dedicate this “non-existent” day to a memory we chose to erase. The only reason I have led everyone of you into a pause relax and open exercise at the beginning of our chat, it exactly because if we have a memory to erase we might not be so happy to go back there. To retrieve something we thought has been all dusted and forgotten .And that we could build up the compassion to find this immense courage within us. In the wrinkles of our deepest soul.

In my own case, I will say it here loud in clear. I have been tormented a bit for the past couple of weeks with few questions that persist and wake me up literally, send me places as I was saying.

How can I help in real time with real actions in real time?

Why I could not help at that very moment? Where has my discernment vanished?

How would the situation turned out if you could have discerned well and sound?

How could I stand firm through a difficult moment?

These questions are of course quite personal to me and hence the invitation to connect grew stronger today.

On this leap year, I would like to dedicate few moments to bringing time back and making good choices. Standing firm. Using a strong voice (and by all means I do not mean rude ,just firm). Saying NO. Asking that 5-6 questions more. Well sometimes it is better than asking 1-2! In that sense. Reimagine the impact on my wellbeing for my sound discernment and on the wellbeing of others. Breathing released from the tension built up with using one’s voice with confidence. And just being in the know that all is well.

I have been “leaping” a lot around question “Where has my discernment vanished? “ and all I could find out going deeper and deeper and finding the key that did not work inside me was a strong emotion of “fear”.

Do not worry, this time I will not invite you to bring back memories of your own fears. I simply rely on you witnessing my pure helplessness and shock I would even dare to admit that no matter how much we grow, how many lessons we have been through, how many super weird moments we have been through - moments when we in fact DID stood firmly, DID say NO ,DID make a good choice, DID use our voice with confidence ,we can still find ourselves in a moment where we freeze. And fear takes over. And then when fear meets us, the pieces in us are simply not adding up to the puzzle. The survivalist takes over. We might spiral into dislikes more than into likes. Any simple question after that becomes simply too much for that now. We might extend the fear to many others simply because now we raised suddenly our walls and we want to feel safe and protected. We start asking ourselves too many questions that start with” I really cannot understand what just happened?” …….

What happens next for me are few key things.

I might enter a hedgehog phase first and foremost. If you catch me in one of these moments or days, you might have permission to talk less to me. I totally understand.

I then become a witness to the days and whatever needs to happen. I do only what I have to do. With this witnessing, I now more and more acknowledge how external nurturing comes my way simply because my internal resources have been depleted for a while- there are under reconstruction,

I take my time and slowly slowly couple of days later,I can remember clearly how my friend pat me on my shoulder, gently and how much she has tried to make me more comfortable, feed me, carried my luggage… I do remember how her hand landed on my shoulder, I can feel it even now. It had a huge impact on my whole mind-body-heart embalming. If I might use such”bombastic” word. She saw my fear.

I can also remember clearer now my discussion with the taxi driver that day. I have only started understanding that he was in fact talking about something very interesting much later, yet I can remember his concerning questions about how long I will have to fly , about maybe people he happen to know in my area of the world. He just got my attention with his humanity and good story telling. No,I cannot remember the story itself.

And I could also remember clearly the young gentlemen that was working as the airport cashier, inviting me with a big smile to his aisle as no other customers there and greatly engaging into a conversation about common roots, Mangalia, the seaside in Romania, his grandparents and how they have immigrated to other countries. He had always supported every sentence in his smile and was effortlessly friendly. He was a beam of kindness and humour.

We do receive many reassurances in mysterious ways. The more we open ourselves and let go of these burdens sometimes, these heavy questioning, the first arrow and the second arrows of self judgement , the more we notice when we receive care even from people we know nothing of before. These are memories we definitely do not wish to erase. And slowly our emotions normalise. And we become our best friends again.

Thich Nhat Hanh (Zen Master, monastic, poet, peace activits,global spiritual leader) says in one of his books called” Fear” the following: “Mindfulness is the practice that goes with you everywhere you go. Through mindfulness we develop our capacity in taking care of our pain and fear as well as our happinness.[….] We can remind ourselves that we all have the seed of mindfulness inside.So we have our confidence with us. Breathing in is mindfulness, even young kids could do it. Drinking your tea mindfully. We can stand firm through any difficulty. And we can learn to transform the fear and the anger & let go of suffering.

Awareness is mindfulness,concentration and insight”

We perhaps might need a moment to also nurture the alchemy inside of us, even if we might feel that we got frozen again in time. Maybe we just witnessed something else and we can only gain the awareness and the deep insight of it much later.

Healing takes time. It is an effort. It is also happening. Only opening our senses and noticing how much support there is around is so vital and powerful.

“So we have our confidence”.

Thank you!