How do I surrender….

Portrait on the balcony… by MaggieHongKong

My rituals reversed themselves this weekend.

A sweet kick start with learning and explorations in the “Science and Art of Happiness”.A dream of going out in the nature just to be soon turned off by the scorching sun. A dream turned soon into a movies marathon. A beloved time for writing, for contemplating turned into early action, citizen duty plus coffee & bagel, lunch, more coffee and then even come ice cream, leaning in without any sort of control to whatever the moment was bringing.

There was dreaming and there was receiving. A quiet dance of making sense of the world through the choice of movies. It does work for me sometimes. Or a book as a matter of fact speaking more messages per page than the entire year has ever sent my way.

It was hard to make any sense or pick one over the other. I am reading two books at the moment, one more intriguing than the other. Once the dust settles, I would share most definitely further with you. Two interesting topics, one of creativity and one of economics, “the economics as if People matter”. The timing of both equally so relevant for how I embrace life currently. With zest. With tremendous curiosity. With pathos. Eternally in awe. I do know that there will be a time when my choices will narrow down and I would have to offer also answers, and the most intriguing answer would owe would be to myself.

As it happens I love being in contemplation. I could stare at a star, at the sky, at nothing for quite a time. The nothingness stimulates me. Restores me. My mind could play tricks, I could tempt myself into doing literally something , like for example ironing clothes for an hour at 6am today, useful and really? Very intriguing indeed. I do know, somehow, that repetition calms me and gives me purpose. A short period of time. Doing precisely the same very action with a time bound, was suddenly an activity more relaxing that I could ever expect. The impulse towards this early activity was innate and simply benefic. Hard to explain and apologies if that might not make much sense to anyone else but me. A simple mechanic repetition of a very familiar action, a steam iron in action that is, was giving me time, was giving me breathing space into organizing thoughts, into organizing next steps, into generating a sense of purpose on a Sunday morning.

Unknown to you there were plans. There was this entire infusion of limitless possibilities that I have entered the weekend with. Time galore, rested mind, happy heart. I thought for a moment I would tick so many boxes of my list. I did have a list of yellow post- its waiting for me as we speak the same very shape and form. I usually highlight in green the ones I made happen and there is no green in sight today.

Too many dreams. Too much solar energy. All my enthusiasm sort of evaporated. The scorching sun returned me to an unplanned nothingness. It was not easy at first. I went through “let me try again at 4pm” - “oh not still too hot”, “let me try at 5pm….” “Ouch, cannot even stand being on the balcony, let alone walking for couple hours.” Real dialogue, real fixations of a person living on its own.

The more I rewind the weekend and all these stages, the more I understand now the big process of surrendering. It took hours and hours of letting me sink into the couch. The guilt said good bye. The new findings of the mini screen took over. The surrender happened in fact the moment I could see the build up for the past whole week.

It has all started with the “Tiny Beautiful Things:Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar”, based on a collection by Cheryl Strayed and brought to the screen by Hello Sunshine production company & Reese Whiterspoon. I cannot remember a book or a movie selected by Hello Sunshine that does not move me to the core. I often have goosebumps when I start a movie because I know there will be things to hear, to see, to adapt to, to face, to voice out to myself. “Tiny Beautiful Things” is a masterpiece and the main character “Sugar” is played equally “goose-bumpsy” by Kathryn Hahn!

There is so much force in the story. So much resilience .So much trying over and over again to overcome ,the past, the present, the pressures, the day to day, the future, the surrendering yet the fighting. Reclaiming an agency. Reclaiming a territory. While the fight was ongoing to save a marriage perhaps, the unfolding path led to a miraculous bonding between a mother and a daughter. Truly always there yet somehow diverted originally. At times, watching was hard. There was so much shouting, fighting and back and forth. Yet, I thought, if Sugar can do it, I can also do it. Watch her struggle and listen and internalise that noise. The noise that was in fact hiding the love she bestowed on everyone. The noise that was hiding the fact that she was able to take all hits for all family members so they can remain protected, cared for. The noise that was in fact was a long loud act of crying and letting her pain(of loosing her mother) just float uncontrollably in the world. A pain that was never lullabied by anyone as. Until her daughter saw that and met her half way.

I do not know. “Hello Sunshine” did it again. They stole my heart with “Tiny beautiful things” and Kathryn Hahn. I am unable to fight this way. I am not able to express any pain this way. I let that level of sound go deep into my veins and nerves and tendons and fascia and all my body. I feel it. Her howling and screaming and feistiness helps me know that is possible to let it also all out. We lose a lot .We lose a lot many times. We all manifest so differently and carry our weights in mysterious ways.

Tiny Beautiful Things

This is how I cleared my mind besides that moment of facing the ironing board. Ironing was more pleasurable. I was softening out creases, I was making wrinkled overlooked and forgotten pieces look pretty again. Ready to wear and dazzle myself. The movie gave me nightmares. Necessary ones. Parallels.

I searched than for something that I might not really relate to, and in the search for Yellow Stone I found “Ransom Canyon”. This is about ranchers, ranches, vast lands and herds of cattle, a good old dance hall, a talented pianist and gorgeous rancher, the even sacrificing friend now fighting the call for the lonely shy rancher and so on and so forth. A lot of twists. The least unexpected people turn doing either the worst things or the best things. One episode led to another, I managed to watch all there is and my mind was taken away from “Tiny Beautiful Things”. Success.

Ransom Canyon

As I said ,there was a building up. I do have my own innate mastery of picking and choosing. There is a drama entrance, an oasis, a little fun crescendo and wicked words exchange just to lead all week and myself into a true mystery.

Where were we? A the little fun crescendo. “The Wicked Little Letters” . They said about this:”Cheeky.Biting. Suspenseful”. Another masterpiece. The plot, the acting, the costumes, all in divine order and in divine timing. Wickedness galore with a lot of profanity at the superlative in a wonderful English manner. Honest to my craft, some of the meanings did not haunt me as I could not understand them one thousand percent. I do think that the delivery was more than enough to make me roar with laughter. Well, well now. Impactful encounter. Tension vanished.

All is well indeed when everything ends well. Sometimes in a cell, but hey, far away from any harm. Freedom in a cell. There is also that. Please watch this movie, it is pure delight. Twists and turns and yes, the behaviour made total sense although there was so much “outrage” at first landing. Brilliant acting from every single actress in this movie.

Wicked Little Letters

Lastly, I turned in a quest to find me more of Kathryn Hahn and I have been invited to “Agatha All Around”. Besides the area of any of my expertise ( although if I count my trails at reading in the coffee and some good and nice oracle cards mastery ,I do see a bit of potential here! ). The first episode was quite a bummer until some fun element dropped in and a nocturnal chase after a thief turned into another completely upside down world! I fall easily so much in love with a good story involving witches, this is above any WOWs.Kathryn is magnificent. And the hidden beauty hiding beneath WOW is that I would not be able to sum up for you,“dear sugars”, anything. I would need a notebook the second time I would watch though as I love so much of their story. One must be a good student again and take notes. Let’s!

Agatha All Around

That was the brief story of a week of too much, too many details, a corroboration of stories both external and internal and couple of nightmares here and there. Plus a masive solar storm. We are doing pretty well, don’t you think?

We know by now that ironing and gliding repetition calm the nervous system. A good magick cocktail of miniseries and movies can turn a lot of stones in their original places. Left untouched might be even a better suggestions at times.

Thank you for listening to a report of seemingly nothingness.

Always in a kind and occasional wicked voice.