Welcoming the winds of change

I would like to express the thrill I got sitting on my cushions to open Substack again. To let the flow of my inner world just become a magic star dust to reach out to all of you. It has been a very long pause, more over so for myself first.

October - hats down and good bye. The lively “marathon” of simply life and a a bit of more happening at the same time (like finding a new home and moving out too, besides all the other October demands) just wiped me out. I do have this collapsible nature when my body occasionally lets me know, suddenly and abruptly, that I better let go and just stay in bed all day when my mind refuses to talk to “the body”. Yes, I had to listen once in a while. And I have been so grateful for the abrupt shut down.

Did I write a post called “too much”? Well , October was too much on top of too much.

And yet, some lovely cheering thoughts and cute voices, my musing whispers were there, as friendly as they could be, the inspiration was there, “what a timely thing to write about!”, I would say to myself. “You can do it, you can wake up tomorrow morning at 5am and can write the Sunday post today. “ I could wake up indeed, but the list of to-dos was so long, that writing quietly and being in my beloved Substack zone was simply impossible to reach.

One thing though about this marathon, one way or another, one push after one more push, keeping my mum in mind as she has no clue what giving up means! I did it.

Once again, I admire even more all those who show up for creating art with such a diligence. Apologies here once again too, for all those in waiting and checking on me.

Dear friend, oh how I have been missing you! My playlist has entered a groovy dance mode right now and it feels that we can choose to celebrate LIFE. We celebrate wishes coming true, we celebrate freeing up from hardship (in the form of climbing a steep hill to reach my former home as a mere example, that grew up bigger and bigger in my mind!).

We celebrate our age every day, even if is not my birthday but it is someone’s somewhere. As it happens, 9th of November it is indeed someone’s special birthday and she is simply an angel now. We celebrate having friends and people who listen, who are here for us, who send lovely quotes and cheering photographs, we celebrate the people who show up at our door even if is raining just because I have asked for help. “Thank you for asking for help, no one does that really anymore. “ My friend said and she was never deterred by the stormy forecasts. Her daughter was thrilled to visit the holiday home for one last time and she has expressed her very serious concerns that I should not move out. I got a little grilling and that was so inspiring, as my answers reflected how wise my decision has been! I did answer her earnestly and with full open heart - “Sometimes, you do understood that views are not everything. A nice balm to have on many occasions. Not mandatory though.”

“Yey, we do heal!”

We celebrate our family who is not here perhaps (for some of us) but is ever present and we keep them dearly in our expanding hearts, in our dreams, in our prayers, in our deep deep wish that they are well and healthy and know that they are loved.

We celebrate that good things can happen. We celebrate that we can find what we are looking for. My new home did not check all the “ideals” or check boxes. And yet, it did check on few major ones. More than everything, it was a peaceful knowing that I am home. That I live here already. The light. The walnut finish floor. The lovely guardian welcoming us with some mangos and dragon fruit on his way back from the market.

We celebrate that we make a lot of efforts everyday, to keep our dreams fuelled, to take action when possible to reach out for them too, like writing here for you and me. We celebrate that we make a lot of efforts everyday and sometimes the road seems a bit challenging at first, to say the least. A year of detours for me, that I could easily say. And, here, one day, synchronicity knocks your door. Doors open, invitations follow, confirmations flow in.

One of the hardest part of my brain wiring is to get excited when the good is indeed here. I can see now that it took me months to settle down and fully embrace the idea that one of my dreams has come true when I was expecting the least. I never gave up, not even once, I kept going and meeting all the added conditions again and again and again, and one day someone says “You have been confirmed”. One of the surprising conditions was to prove my identity. How does one do that? Yes, you learn that too.

“Yes to dreams coming true and not giving up on myself.”

We celebrate.

We celebrate.

We take as many moments as we need and we celebrate. The new challenges, the new directions, the many unknowns and the best way to tackle them with the least of fear. Mum’s advice is often the best -“ let me sleep over this problem.”

We celebrate going to bed exhausted at night and facing some emergent issues needing clearance. Waking up with a rested body and a clear mind, we celebrate even further that there is rhythm in what we put our energy into. We celebrate that a new day brings clarity of mind, and a better understanding of the ways we can approach anything. Even a homework that looks like solving sacred old text grammar.

My playlist moved onto Christmas songs. A tad too early,I nudge to the speaker. Yet, the song is lovely and I leave it on. Big smile. Leon Bridges and Norah Jones, love them both dearly. Back to Rag’n’Bone -“Time to love”. And a much larger smile.

We celebrate prayers. We then celebrate even more feverishly the answered prayers.

We celebrate the ones praying for us with any occasion of sacred space visit, as this is the culture I come from. We leave names on a small piece of paper to be prayed for.

We celebrate the astonishing deep well of energy we have.The innate resilience to keep at it, one step, one hundred steps, one thousand or twenty thousand steps more. We celebrate showing up, even if at times it might take all the forms and dreams we wish for. We celebrate having those dreams alive.

I have a full plate to be thankful for today. I do hope sincerely that my intentions to celebrate life find a hidden corner in your heart and bring a rose to blooming and warm you inside out.

I had so many notes before moving out on my fridge, on my walls, in my notebooks. One of them said” You did this many times before, you can do it again. You will find a new home". Another one said“ Do you remember the seemingly impossible homework to map out a yin yoga practice for a course?. You did it, with few timing flaws, yes, ok, but you owned it!. So - you can do this seemingly impossible homework too! Same attitude. More time needed. Patience and commitment. It has to be done.”

Is this a compassionate self-speech, maybe yes, the “mama-bear” type of compassion, as Christin Neff calls it.

I did misplace most of these fabulous “mama-bear” notes and looking forward now to keep finding me while unpacking, like following the bread crumbs to a side of me that I know to be strong. How about celebrating that?! Yes, please.

We celebrate the fact that change does not deter us from starting over, from stumbling a bit in the dark, searching for where could we keep planting new seeds.

Speaking of old, new, change. I had multiple notes everywhere saying ”write about Past Lives”, the movie directed by Celine Song.

Past Lives

A story that would love to keep in my heart for ever. A movie that I would like to rewatch, and that could motivate me to get a bigger screen for that. The performance is impeccable. Greta Lee is one of my favourites for long time and while meeting Teo Yoo for the very first time ,I could only say that - I could not know there are even so many nuances and facial expressions possible. Subtle nuances, expressive to the core of one’s heart.

You know, you would have to watch by yourself the movie.I can only relate why I found it so moving and why it relates so much with how I view life. I often wondered what would have been my life now if I said yes to a high-school sweetheart ( important note here - I did not grow up with such a concept ever; it would have been more a terrible nuisance in those times, and definitely to my father! ). It was more like an ideal of romance, many heart breaks and most probably caused by me. I wrote back on too many small notes “No”, to the question “Would you like to be my girlfriend?” .

I do not even know myself how this memory emerged now. But here I am, agreeing here in all openness that I broke few hearts. Maybe even worse, I ghosted people just because I had literally no clue on how to handle anything like that. I am sorry.

Greta Lee’s character in the movie had these aspirations - to write, to win a renowned award one day, sooner than later, to study ,to become someone that herself dreamt to be. She had dreams. She kept chasing these dreams while pushing her sweetest memories in her heart away. She came to a new country with her family. She adapted to change and embrace change. She kept at it. She did say “no”occasionally, trading something in front of her at times for a dream that she has not achieved yet.

This is where I related so much at times with the story.

The truth is that we do not know many things. While, on the other hand, the “No”we offer leads us to the path that we were meant to be? Never sure about those answers.

In my humble case and example, I did not know while I said “No”. I just did not have it in me to commit so young. While, there was something I have always known deep inside me. That my hometown is not my future town. I could never imagine myself living there all my life. I do now have a magic wand, and yet, the intention to visualise a situation is one of my reliable tools in my intuition arsenal. I sit down and try to visualise, make a life out a set of data in front of me. If the drawing boards remain empty, I tend to detach. I tend to switch off. There is a deep belief here.

Would that always work? Would that always provide me a wise direction and good insights, sorry to say this too -absolutely not! I mostly tend to keep perfecting this tool and surrender more to it, not swimming against the currents as a smooth pisces. Big smile again.

“Past lives” it is sweet, deeply moving, heart breaking and a reminder that we are not the same people anymore. We might just say this out loud with conviction just because need to convince ourselves first and we would not love to regret and hull over a past time decision. We might believe it too. Rather than attaching ourselves to our past selves, to past beliefs, to past dreams, we can also accept that we have new dreams, we have no dreams left even, we are someone else in this very present moment. We reconstruct, we rebuild, we form new shapes and forms, new dreams, new habits, new relationships.

I love to go back to my past life young and innocent self. And remember bits that I adore about her - her courage, her standing up to situations, her “yes”s and her “no”s even misunderstood or under heavy ignorant blankets. I love to honour her and celebrate her too. And yet, I know that I can rebuild, I can start over at any time. No fear of change. We simply do not know who can be then alongisde us on this journey. And embrace that too as a new day reality. When we wake up restored and clear our minds. When we can tackle any dream again because we can choose to celebrate the one we are right now.

Thank you for being here.